Who am I? Who am I becoming?

I certainly have changed in the last eight months that I have been away from home. But why?

Why do people change when situations change?

Does the environment really play that much of a role in our thought process and the way we lead our lives?

I just realized that it does. It plays a much larger role than I expected.

I always assumed that I wouldn't change unless I consciously made an effort to change, now I realize I was wrong. I changed, unconsciously. I can only speculate, and I propose that the only way to remain unchanged is to consciously and continuously try to. Then again, this is not that easy a task and I certainly don't want to trouble myself trying to keep that up. 

Anyway, when I say I have changed, I don't mean my accent, the way I dress or how responsible I am. As always, I am talking about relationships->love->long distance->analysis of my thoughts. 

I have been feeling, and I am sure Chandru will agree, that I have become very critical, cynical,and have been expecting way too much out of him. I never really thought it was me, as I am human, I automatically blamed him for the change. But now I think it might be my fault, to an extent :)

I think I know how Alexander Fleming felt when he discovered penicillin, the feeling of finding a $10 bill on the street, the feeling of learning something unexpected. I happened to watch Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge while eating lunch today as I hadn't watched a hindi movie in months..When I found Shah Rukh's act cheesy and unbelievable, I felt something shatter in me, my belief in romance, cheesy as it may be, was something I was proud of. 

Thankfully, as the movie progressed and by the time my favorite song Zara Se Jhoom Lo started playing, I found myself realizing that I had been watching too much American TV and too many hollywood movies where the underlying theme was pretty much - girl and guy feel an attraction, they are together for a bit, they have sex, they want space, they split up, they find some one else, have sex, that doesn't work out either, they move on again, and again, and again until the end: they find someone 'perfect' 100 relationships later (OR) they realize that life is best when lived alone. 

In DDLJ when Shah Rukh teases her the morning after she gets drunk and his little speech on 'Hindustani ladki ki izzat' and his 'sharif but bad boy' act is so cute, it made me realize the crudity and the predominance of sex in the western concept of love. I am not saying that romance as I imagine it in Indian terms, places no emphasis on sex, but I truly believe and would like to continue believing that sex is special... 

Anyway, my point is - love had begun to seem a lot different from what it meant to me, I had begun to seek the 'perfect', ' smooth' and 'seamless' feeling in my relationship with Chandru and obviously I didn't find it, because that feeling does not truly exist. And when I did not find it, I found myself thinking in terms of Sex and the City - i.e:Whenever there is trouble in the relationship, you up and leave - that is what I would call the stereotypical western concept of relationships. 

However, to my credit, I got through the difficult times, a wee bit grudgingly, but it is all worth it. So worth it. I love Chandru, and every time I realize that it seems unbelievable that I could have ever thought otherwise. 

Is this why they say moving to a different country is difficult? As easy as it may sound to say you must always stick to your roots, remember your culture, and as much as you want to do those things...the environment around you does bring about certain inevitable changes, some good and some bad - I must learn to have the courage to influence these influences and be the person I want to be, not just be the person I become by default.